The musings of A.V. Phibes

I'm watching you, culture, and I don't approve.

When people began gushing about this book I was intrigued. That is, until my 45 year old Jehovah Witness sister and her 14 year old carbon copy daughter said to me "OMG OMG YOU HAVE TO READ IT, IT'S THE BEST BOOK IT MADE US CRY AND WE CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MOVIE!!"

This made me never want to EVER read or see it...because they liked it and if they liked it, I can guarantee I will not.

Please, even in Judy Blume books the girl GETS TO TOUCH IT. And name it.

Re: Taste the Rainbow.

Oh yeah, she named it Ralph. I'll never forget that.

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I don't know how, but before this day is over, I am going to work rainbow ejaculation into a conversation.

Please tell me the character's name really wasn't BELLA SWAN? That is so damn cheesy.


Apparently whoever edited these books decided that NOTHING IS TOO RIDICULOUS!

you crack me up.
Please...write the "unedited" version of this book.
All the lusty, sparkley, rainbow-face covered parts.

I thought about reading it when all the movie-hype started.
and thought better when i found out it was a Mormon Vampire series.

What's next?
Quaker Zombies?


so alone, so misunderstood

what is the big-ass L in twilight supposed to be? a single fang?

Re: so alone, so misunderstood

I hadn't noticed that. My vote is for sparkling vampire cock.

I started reading the book on vacation at the beach, because it seemed like ridiculous, mindless beach reading. And then, like cheetos, I had to keep reading them all, even though I realized how god awful the writing was, and how creepy mormon messages were hidden in the stories. I can't remember the name right now, but there is an lj user who does fantastic reviews of all the books.

Last week I dragged b. to the movie. Drink beforehand. DRINK ALOT. We were snickering and giggling in the parts the rest of the audience was swooning over, which was an...entertaining cultural experience I guess.

The adult vampire sex version of the stores are basically Charlaine Harris' Southern Vampire books that True Blood is based on. Soooooo much vampire/psychic human/werewolf sex. :D

book synopsis/reviews

the most awesome ones ever are by cleolinda she also has a wiki entry with them all together so you can read them in order and whatnot. she is awesomely hilarious!

Ok, I just laughed so hard, I made my cat jump. Your interpretation is *too* brilliant. Brava!!! ;D

Wow... that sounds so bad it makes my intestines quake with fear.

Even the least nuanced carbon copy of Ranma 1/2 high school magic girl romance anime I've ever sat through (I was writing documentation until 3:00 the past two nights... I needed some pop cultural crisco to lube the neurons) at least knows enough to dangle the relationship in front of the two main characters for at least 20 episodes instead of jumping straight into OMG I LUVS YU/I LUV YU 2!

I always thought writing romance was all about keeping the cheese just out of the mouse's reach and just dropping a little crumb of dairy goodness now and then to keep it running through the maze. Crushing it under a 50 pound wheel of edam is not good technique.

This sounds more like pornography for girls who think touching themselves is gross.

It's totally abstinence porn.

i think i just died of laughter... i'm going to have to borrow that book. def.

I will totally loan it to you... then we can trade hilarious Cullen fanfics.

Damn, I wish I could ejaculate rainbows... :-(

okay, YES absolutely. in fact, the second book, from what i hear? WAY WORSE. counterpoint-- maybe the movie is BRILLIANT.

This book is missing a flying unicorn pony. That is its downfall.

350/150? Well, at least the movie's structure is true to the book's.

I won't lie, the movie was really fun for the following reasons:

1. I had just seen Quantum Of Solace right before and was totally high off the awesome violence.

2. Twilight has a terrific soundtrack that has little to do with what you might think is supposed to be the material's tone.

3. When Bella enters the bio lab and sees Vampire Boyfriend sitting there, her hair wafts in the breeze of a SLO-MO GLAMOUR FAN. My friend and I were the only ones in the theater cracking up, but fear not...we laughed enough for everyone. You likely will too.

The SLO-MO GLAMOUR FAN was my favourite part too! :-)

Thank you for graciously filling in the missing sex. Or at least, something closer to it.

I couldn't help but think that the whole novel read a little like a brochure on how to spot a domestically abusive relationship in the making.

yeah, i have the same question

- lili

This is precisely why snobbery isn't necessarily a crime punishable by death, you see.

You let people make cultural and artistic choices, and what happens? They pick Twilight.

Books like this will always exist, fine. What bugs me (As you can read in a previous entry I did where I rant on the series, which I'll link to) is when people who lack whatever they need to be regular readers, decide that their own ineptitude is somehow a barometer of quality. For example, those Harry Potter followers who say:

"Now, I'm not a reader, but I have to say, Harry Potter/Twilight/The Da Vinci Code is excellent.".

No, that doesn't make the book excellent (Though the latter is good in just about every way except Dan Brown's writing style). Twilight/Harry Potter, Halo, Coldplay; all the same thing but in different mediums of media. It's flattery for the masses.

Everyone KNOWS that if you are reading a book, you feel smart, provided it's such an uncharacteritic event for you that reading books IS out of your way.


Like a genius, I forgot the link, if you're at all interested:


har har. I was just reading in entertainment weekly how the special effects were all cheap and instead of looking sparkly in the sun, the dude just looks sweaty. AWESOME.

Yeah, but all that tells you is that the Entertainment Weekly critic didn't get the rimjobs and publicity freebies s/he felt was deserved for a positive review. Deal with an EW critic, and you'll understand why the magazine's initials are onomatopoeic.

cleolinda does the sarcastic book recaps, so you don't have to read them.

An article gathering all the mormon teen vampire madness into one place:

My dick has never been more proud of having voted for you!

haha... I had forgotten all about that. Thanks for reminding me! You know, I will always regret not keeping a folder of all those pictures. So that someday my grandchildren can find them on my computer and be like "Grandma! Why do you have all these pictures of penises with your name written on them?" and I can be like "Ah, Grandchildren, it was the early days of the internet..."

Thank you for writing this hilarious and spot-on review. (I got here through jwz.)

Ditto! (I also got here from jwz.)

I just passed this review around the office. The CIO now thinks we're all on drugs because we're all laughing so hard. I actually fell out of my chair. Thank you, very much!

You have made many lovers of the VAMBONER very, very pleased with this :)

A friend's daughter bought me Twilight for Christmas last year, and I felt obligated to read it. It's just short of Harlequin grade romance, but without any of the interesting parts. On one hand, I can't see why anyone reads it, but on the other I can easily see how it was specifically engineered to appeal to it's core audience of awkward 13 year old girls who think they're ugly.

What I really don't get is how adult women get snagged into it.

And then this just blew me away. It would seem that the Westboro Baptist Church, easily among the most intolerant group of haters in recent memory, think Twilight is perfectly fine.

God may hate fags, but he's cool with vampires I guess.

I guess they're attracted to the strong message of abstinence?

The rainbows bit made me lose it. Absolutely astounding. I'm sending this to all my friends that are into Twilight.

yr twilight fanfic is HOTT !!!!!

I was in agony thinking of losing him and never again touching his pale, white, cold, gorgeous, sparkling, marble, granite, dazzling, godlike, scintillating Adonis cock.

I nearly just guffawed lunch pizza out of my nose. I am currently struggling through this book myself for work reasons, and I think you've EXACTLY hit the nail on the head as to what a sex scene in this book would be like.

Although I've been told by an utterly exasperated one-time fan of the series that in the fourth book [BIG-ASS SPOILER!] they finally have sex, and she doesn't really get to experience it; she blacks out and wakes up the next morning covered in bruises and worries frantically that she did something wrong. Honestly, the more I read and hear about this series, the more I feel like the people who complain that it's essentially an eroticized abusive relationship know exactly what they're talking about.


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