The musings of A.V. Phibes

Why ladies love Severus Snape: A detailed primer. (chock full of spoilers, in case you care)

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 18:25:20 GMT

All images used were culled from our friend, the internet.

So I was sitting around playing Marry/Fuck/Kill with the Potterverse and was like “I’d totally fuck Snape, obviously.” Then it occurred to me that, among the smorgasbord of cute young boys, why would the “obvious” sexual choice be a gnarly old goth who’s a dick to everyone?

Initially, it doesn’t seem to make much sense, since, in the novels, even though he’s a fairly complex character, there’s not really a drop of sex on him and he’s mostly described as being mean and ugly. In spite of this, HP fandom is bursting at the seams with ladies who are hot and bothered for Snape. Some fervently embrace it, others feel strangely confused about it, but it is nonetheless true that ladies love cool Snape, and-- fear not-- I’m going to tell you why in a convenient 5 point format:

1. Alan Rickman’s Voice
A huge portion of Snape lust can be simply attributed to the casting of Alan Rickman in the movies. While Alan Rickman is an average-looking dude and kinda over-the-hill, it is an anecdotally observed phenomenon that the timbre and tempo of Alan Rickman’s voice triggers some sort of primal mating instinct in females. Reviewers—female ones, that is-- have used all sorts of metaphors for Alan Rickman’s voice: Velvet, silk, chocolate, red wine…basically, stuff that ladies love. Have you ever listened to audio of Alan Rickman reading stories? Well I have, and I cannot tell you a single plot point of any of those stories because all I could think about is having hot sex with Alan Rickman who is old enough to be my father and not at all my type.

Guys don’t get it (which I hypothesize is why he tends to be cast as a villain in guy movies and a romantic object in chick movies). It would seem you have to have a vagina in order to experience the aphrodisiac qualities of Alan Rickman’s voice. It’s almost a rite of passage into womanhood: You get your period, you have your first kiss, and you have the first time you go see a movie with Alan Rickman in it and leave feeling all funny, thinking “wow, that guy is such a… um… good actor.” because Alan Rickman’s voice just totally made sweet dirty love to your ear holes.

So now, thanks to the Harry Potter movie franchise, there is a whole new generation of adolescent girls who hear things like this and then feel all strange and confused about their inappropriate longing to make out with a guy practically old enough to be their grandfather. Fear not, young ladies: You can’t help it. It’s just science.

2. He’s dark and Mysterious
This one is so obvious as to almost be cliché. It the same reason chicks dig vampires. Ladies often respond to strong emotions and fear and confusion can be strong emotions. If you combine this with an initial attraction, a young lady who doesn’t know any better can easily presume that maybe she’s madly in love with a guy just because he’s a little scary and confusing (See also: Twilight).

So let’s look at Snape: Is he dark? Yes. Along with the severe black outfit, he’s got a titillating air of menace and danger. Mysterious? Definitely. Is he a good guy? Is he a bad guy? Where do his loyalties lie? Does anyone really know what he’s up to? So many questions! How desperately we ladies want to uncover his secrets! The “scary and confusing” factor, aside from being exciting, can also totally disrupt a ladies sense of control over a situation, which can also be stimulating if attraction is involved (which it obviously is because, duh, Alan Rickman’s voice). Leading us to…

3. The whole S&M vibe
It is not a mere coincidence that the interwebs contain about ten million smutty fanfics about what transpires when Snape keeps students after class for detention. Consult a list of the top ten female sex fantasies and you will see “being dominated” and “teacher/student” sitting right next to each other. The character of Severus Snape is a teacher… A very strict teacher. When he tells you to do something, you do it. These kind of power/control fantasies are pretty common (and hot). Add “dark and mysterious” and the wanton suggestiveness of Alan Rickman’s voice into the mix and you’ve just created a perfect storm of female masturbation material. Under these circumstances, having Snape say lines like “I shall attempt to penetrate your mind and you shall attempt to resist me” is almost too much to deal with.

4. He’s a jerk
We’ve all heard the old saw “Women don’t like nice guys… they like jerks” usually being muttered by some jerk who thinks he’s a nice guy. The truth is that women DO like nice guys, BUT, they also like jerks sometimes. As someone who’s dated my fair share of sociopaths, I’ll try to shed some light on this for you.

One thing to establish is that most women don’t like jerks because they want to be treated badly. Rather, they want the guy who’s a jerk to everyone but them. They’re hoping for the victory of biting through his hard candy shell and getting to his sweet tootsie roll center. Jerks possess the alluring qualities of power and confidence… although usually taken to a dysfunctional level. Since most of us have to be nice most of the time, the jerk can also provide a vicarious, liberating thrill as he brazenly breaks all the rules of social propriety.

So when Snape goes around being an asshole and not taking anyone’s shit, it’s actually kind of a turn-on. (Some women also labor under delusions that they can “reform” the jerk, although this is usually a recipe for disaster. )

If I may, however, give some advice to the youth of America, it’s this: Don’t have relationships with jerks. I’m not saying you can’t have hot flings with the occasional jerk in your experimental youth, because, truthfully, they ARE pretty exciting in the short term, but any guy who’s a jerk to everyone else will eventually be a jerk to you. Trust me. To put it in HP terms: fuck all the Slytherins you want, but if you want to get serious, find a nice Hufflepuff.

5. He’s all tortured and misunderstood and crying on the inside and shit.
Okay, so maybe after a long day of antagonizing Harry Potter, insulting his students and generally sneering and being curt, Snape goes down to his room in the dungeon, turns on The Cure’s “Disintegration,” and cries while hugging his pillow, because deep down inside he’s all wounded and sensitive.

Remember what I said in the last bit about the tootsie roll center? Well Snape’s is a doozy. He came from an abusive, neglectful home, got bullied in school and then watched as his BFF/love of his life kicked him to the curb and married the guy who bullied him. Now she’s dead and he feels responsible, so he’s sworn to save her son’s ass from Voldemort even though he partly hates him because he looks like the dude who pantsed him in high school. Meanwhile, everyone just thinks he’s a dick because of the cold, stoic façade he’s constructed to hide his inner turmoil. But he’s secretly doing good…GOOD, DAMN IT! So much heartache! So much angst! So much wounded inner child desperately needing the right woman to hug his pain away!

Chicks often dig romantic fantasies of being the special, insightful one to understand the misunderstood guy, thus breaking through his misanthropic exterior and being rewarded with all of his ardent, pent-up passion. Combined with the Jerk factor, this would seem to present a situation where you could have your hot, rough, pinned-against-the-wall sex and your sweet butterfly kisses, too. In real life, this typically doesn’t result in anything but a dysfunctional relationship, but it seems pretty sexy on paper.

In Summary:

Okay, so we’ve got a dark and mysterious guy with an air of danger and a dominating personality who’s in a position of authority. He’s a total jerk and doesn’t take anyone’s shit, but it’s only because he’s all emo on the inside. Top that off with a voice that makes EVERY DAMN THING sound erotic and BAM: Ladies love Snape.

And so I hope that this sheds some light on why I would obviously fuck him… although I’m totally marrying Hagrid…and killing Peter Pettigrew. That guy is worthless.

My quest to embrace frivolity

Wed, 08 Sep 2010 14:53:23 GMT

So here's the thing: My boyfriend (who is now my fiance, BTW) left town to gallivant around the asian continent in August and isn't coming back until December. Congruent with this, my brain has decided that my new past time is going to be getting all into "Harry Potter" again (I can't stop it when it picks something... I just have to ride it out). This will probably result in many HP themed posts, since if there are any three things that go together, it is Harry Potter Fandom, Livejournal and not getting laid.

Commence l'aventure!

Some videos that I did not make but which involve me in some way.

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 01:14:07 GMT

So, hey, remember when I wrote that snarky post about Twilight? Well I found a youtube video of this dude doing a "dynamic reading" of a portion of it. LOLtastic!

And then my friend Brad wrote a fictional play in which I am a minor character and this scene takes place at one of my parties which is also fictional, because I never have fondue.

O hai livejournal, what's up?

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 19:55:33 GMT

Oh hey guys, how's it going? I've been pretty slack about posting on here, which is lame since this is one of the only social networking media where anyone actually reads me. Thank you for reading me...you touch my heart.

Anyway, I posted some stuffs on my other blog lately, like I say which albums I listened to the most in the 00's, then I talk shit about a tote bag and get real about photoshop.
I also did a sort of rambly post about being a professional artist that may or may not have any sort of point. I think I just wrote it in response to people who are like "I hate my job and wish I could make a living off my art" and how I feel like "Jeez, then, JUST DO IT ALREADY" but also feel, on a case-by-case basis that it probably won't work for a lot of people and they shouldn't go betting the farm.

Also I've been on twitter a lot which makes me chuckle sometimes because there are aspects of it that are SOOOO Livejournal circa 2003 with the cool-kid cliques and the drama and people quitting in a huff and then everybody stridently commenting on the drama and huffs. As a former LJ 'cool kid" I think at first I was like "I HAVE TO BE A COOL KID!" and then I remembered that I have actual things to accomplish in real life and shouldn't be getting involved.

That is all for now. Have to get back to work.

*throws down smoke bomb and disappears*

We, the content creators of the internet, shall have our day.

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 20:06:59 GMT

This guy pretty much says everything I've been thinking about the future of publishing.

Digitaltrends.com on book publishing in the next ten years

2009 Year in Review

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 23:01:38 GMT

2009 year in review:

Well, unlike the previous three years, I actually did NOT think that this year sucked ass. As I mentioned in last year's review, I was taking the pursuit of mental health more seriously and, actually, did a good job of it. I felt gradual improvement of my feelings of "weirdness" throughout the year, and then, somewhere toward the end, my crippling self-doubt disappeared as though a gypsy curse had been lifted. I'm not entirely sure why, but I no longer felt like I was being menaced by the world, I felt lucky again, and I felt like I could handle things.

While I could say that I still spent the year "dicking around," I've also realized that it's a pretty dick move for me to discount accomplishments and experiences that other people would be proud of, as that is basically implying to other people "you don't do shit and your life is worthless." So, instead, I would say that the year was swell, although perhaps not as productive as I would have preferred.

For another year, I have failed to win the lotto or make more money. My therapy, however, has taught me not to tie that to my self-worth, so whatever. My life is still a party. I got to be in another awesome off-broadway play and work on some fun projects with fun people that will hopefully pan out into bigger things this year.

So, going over last years goals:

1. Secret!
Okay, so I can fess up now about my secret goals. This goal was to get some of my writing published. I did not accomplish this goal because I decided at a certain point that I didn't feel like trying. I know I'll just sound like I'm a quitter making excuses, but it's partly explained in my post about self-identifying as a writer and my thought that publication might just be a meaningless exercise. I mean, as it stood, I could probably get an article or story published SOMEWHERE, but why? If my goal is to have my work seen, it will be seen by more people on the internet. If my goal is validation, well, the quest for validation from external sources doesn't often lead me to a good place, psychologically. If the goal is money, well, the truth is, I'm afraid of falling into nickel-and-dime writing, since years of nickel-and-dime drawing basically made me despise it. In a sense, I don't want to ruin writing for myself by making into another thing I have to do.

2. Secret!
This goal was to settle my copyright lawsuit with Dreamworks/Paramount for a designated sum of money. While the lawsuit WAS finally settled, the goal was not necessarily achieved and I am not at liberty to discuss it due to confidentiality agreements I had to sign. Nonetheless, I am very glad to have the whole thing resolved as two and a half years of this negative thing hanging over me had a very oppressive effect. In fact, I think the resolution of this conflict might have been the final key to breaking the aforementioned gypsy curse of self-doubt.

3. Secret!
This goal was to pay off all my debt. Due to my income slump and the previously mentioned situation, my debt became quite alarmingly vast. I did not pay it all off, but I paid off about four-fifths.

4. Get in shape and drop my weight back down to 54 kg / 120lbs.
I did, in fact, go from size six pants to size 4 pants, although the holiday food binges are threatening to oust me from them. I also stood on a scale that said I was 120 lbs, but my wii fit says I'm 132. The discovery of spanx this year got me back into several of my old dresses, but it's still not as easy as it used to be to control my weight. I'll call this one MOSTLY accomplished.

5. Read 30 Books
I READ 50 BOOKS BITCHAZ! CAN I GET A WHUT WHUT? Kindle for iphone, you are my salvation.

6. Revamp Evilkid.com
Haha... totally not done...SLACKA!

7. Travel to a continent other than North America and Europe.
Okay, not done, either. I did, however, hit up North America and Europe a little more this year and went to Canada, Mexico, Germany, Poland, Czech Republic and the overall west coast of the US as well as the Florida Keys.

Okay, so if we look this over, my goal accomplishment for 2009 was pretty piss poor. I expect the upcoming year to be an improvement, though. And so, moving on:

Goals for 2010!

1. produce a book-length quantity of writing.
I don't know if it will be fiction or non, stories or essays, but I just want to see if I can do it.

2. learn to pop and lock
omg, how rad would I be? Seriously!

3. take better care of my skin
I've already started on this by trying to buy myself the proper products and follow the proper regimens. Now that I'm getting older, I can't fuck around with my skin anymore, I must be ever vigilant!

4. Read 30 books
Best to keep in the groove. Also, I have a stack of "real books" here next to my bed that I need to plow through in my quest to go fully digital.

5. digitize my record collection
Speaking of going fully digital, I got one of those USB record players about a year or so ago and I still haven't digitized my vinyl. This is a project I really want to finish.

6. Be more socially proactive
I need to quit laying around like a big lazypants and waiting for people to come over. I need to go do more fun stuff and see more people.

7. accomplish something that will actually make me impress myself
See, here's the deal: I'm basically this jaded asshole who's all been-there-done-that, so I tend to view my own accomplishments like "meh, whatever. It's not like that's a big deal or anything." So, essentially, I want to actually accomplish something this year that I can genuinely say "Yeah, I'm really proud of that. That was something."

More stuff at theoverexaminedlife.com about pizza and my birthday and Andrew W.K.

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 05:45:33 GMT

I'm getting back into life, but more importantly: Andrew W.K. is a creative force to be reckoned with.

How to transport a pizza on an airplane

Some other stuff:

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:09:26 GMT

Some other stuff I posted on theoverexaminedlife.com:

The old Drunken Roommate comics

Some rejected artwork I did recently

directions to the secret chick-fil-a in manhattan

My first and only tattoo or "learn from my mistakes and don't get a tattoo of an obscure dadaist pun

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:45:58 GMT

To this day, I still only have one tattoo. I feel bad saying that I regret it, but...honestly... I often do. This may seem a contradictory thing to say considering how much artwork I've done that's been tattooed on other people. The thing about tattooing, though, is that it requires a certain type of person to pull off successfully. That person being, essentially, one that doesn't change their mind. Trouble is, I'm definitely NOT that person and knowing that now doesn't really help.
I believe it was sometime in early 2000. This was a particular time in my life that was kind of magical: I had just transitioned over to doing art for a living and, because I was freelance, I didn't have to go to a "job" anymore. I had more money and freedom than I'd ever had before. I had also started performing and was still exhilarated by it. I was, in my small way, living the dream I had come to New York to live. The feeling was very emboldening. I felt like I could do anything. I had a sense of surety and power that imbued everything I did.
And so, in this state of mind, I took my first trip to San Francisco. While getting silly with one of my good friends (who had many tattoos) she said "Let's go get tattoos together!" and I said "Yes!" She was surprised and said "do you really mean it?" and when I said "yes" again, she grabbed my by the hand and said, "we have to go do it before you change your mind!"
Now, it wasn't an entirely impromptu decision. For over a year I had in my head the "tattoo that I would get if I ever got a tattoo," and that was what I intended to get. Since I'd thought about it for over a year, I felt like I was making a good decision. What I wanted was the letters L.H.O.O.Q tattooed on my lower back. This was a reference to the art piece by Marcel Duchamp (right), which I thought was significant on multiple levels.
First of all, Marcel Duchamp was a personal hero of mine, so the tattoo would be a tribute to that. Secondly, the piece itself was an insouciant challenge to classical tradition which fit with my own sense of irreverence. And Thirdly, the whole joke of the piece lies in the fact that the phrase "L.H.O.O.Q." if pronounced in french sounds like the phrase "elle a chaud au cul" which means "she's got a hot ass"...and it's above my butt! Haw! So, really, I thought I was making a very sound choice. I had this vision of sexy art history majors seeing it and falling in love with me. It was going to be awesome.
But here we come to the whole "changing my mind" part...
So, it turns out that if you have a tattoo that is not immediately comprehensible (like say, a dragon or a butterfly) people expect you to explain it. And after about the 100th time you explain it, you wish to god you hadn't had it put on your body permanently. During a romantic interlude, when a man would run his fingers over the letters and say "what does that mean?" my mind would heave a sigh: don't make me have to stop and explain this again.
After a few years, when my shirt would creep up and someone would ask "what's your tattoo mean?" I'd just answer "It means 'don't ever get a tattoo.'"
The unfortunate part is that I didn't stop liking what my tattoo meant--I still love Marcel Duchamp and everything that's implied there--I just got tired of having this public statement that I had to explain.
So, I guess that you have to be not only a person who doesn't change their mind, but a person who doesn't mind engaging with strangers via your body art. Just a heads-up kids... give it some thought before you go under the needle.

Shedding the incognito: trying to come to terms with my own identity.

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:49:37 GMT

So, For the past two years or so, I've been trying to be "incognito." Now I once again want to be incog-NEATO! (oh god, please make me stop!) But seriously, identity can be a slippery eel that's hard to keep a grip on. I had a dream when I was a young whippersnapper that my life would be interesting and exciting. The price one pays for this is facing a greater number of challenges, both internal and external. When I was younger, my battles always seemed to be external: Me vs. the world and other people. With age, the battles became more internal: me vs. me vs. me. The downside of an "interesting" life is that it has to change all the time and you have to change with it.

Often, when I'm in transition between one "self" and another, I withdraw into a sort of neutral place and re-emerge when I feel like I'm on steady footing. Often the transition involves rejecting the past self. Sometimes I have this visual picture of myself from one year to the next, all the me's standing side by side, then I see all the me's make a 90 degree turn to the right and slap the preceding one upside the head. And so I rejected the past self.
Only problem is: then I started thinking "but wait! my past self DID have so much fun! I STILL WANT THAT!" and so, in the process of rejection, there was a sort of re-integration. Thank god, because this "neutral" phase has gone on for almost three damned years.

Much of my problem stemmed from placing my "self" out there for public consumption. I made myself a "brand;" and not only my social life, but my career was tied to it. I chafe under the pressure of having to behave a certain way and live up to specific expectations and when I perceived the "expectation" as coming from some anonymous consciousness in the outside world, I started hiding inside (if that sounds way neurotic, I assure you...it is!)

Now, being "incognito" has been kind of a lovely learning experience in itself. When I was a kid, I felt like an outsider involuntarily... I was "different" and didn't want to be. When I was a young adult, I decided to be "different" on purpose. It became very important to me to be seen and to express myself in everything I did. Once that became a duty instead of a privilege, it just wasn't as fun anymore. It felt burdensome. I didn't want other people to be telling me who "myself" was. I went from "freedom" meaning being able to express myself to meaning I didn't have to express myself.

These incognito years were my chance to feel what it's like to be "normal." I mean, there's only so "normal" a person can be in New York, but I just tried to be as neutral as possible. I still have a certain "physical expressiveness" (aka: awkward nerdiness) that gives me away, but if I dressed normal, I could get away with it. It was nice not to be pre-judged. It was nice to be able to conceal or reveal myself willfully. It was nice to feel invisible. It was nice to be happy letting other people shine instead of clamoring for the spotlight. It was nice to watch from the outside for awhile.

Now I'm trying to take the timeline of my life and take all the disparate parts and re-assemble them into some integrated whole of who I am now. I'm also trying to balance the negative and the positive. I've always veered between either extreme. Either from the egotistical "I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW HOW GREAT MY LIFE IS!" to the paranoid: "Oh god...everyone just thinks I'm a name-dropping attention whore! Maybe I'm giving the wrong impression!" And the problem when you "put yourself out there" is that people will confirm both sides. Trouble was, I was at the point where I was like "I CAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE! I WILL ONLY DISAPPOINT YOU! I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE!"

So, yeah, self-re-assembly. Stay tuned.

step one: make fist. step two: point upward.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:10:29 GMT

This is from an AMAZING album of japanese covers by Andrew W.K. I think the fact that I've been listening to this on repeat for three days proves that my inner 15 year old boy is alive and well.

In which I try to prove I am smart by taking the Mensa test...

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:41:50 GMT

Originally posted here.

I believe I got the idea around the time that I was called in for a legal deposition by the defense lawyers in my ongoing copyright infringement case. The lawyer for the defense seemed to be building his entire case around the hope, or perhaps the assumption, that I am an idiot. His arrogant attempts at semantic intimidation were, at the very least, misguided, but, personally, I found them to be horribly insulting. The reason being: I hate people assuming that I'm dumb. This, then, prompted the thought: "I need to prove that I'm smart!"

Now, it's easy enough for a person to assume I'm not smart. In the aforementioned legal deposition, I was obliged to disclose my entire collegiate and employment history. Neither of the above would convince anyone that I was smart. I went to three colleges of no renown and got a degree from none of them. For 6 years, I worked a string of slacker jobs, most of which were unskilled labor and paid peanuts. How, then, could I objectively prove that I'm smarter than the average bear? My own conviction that I was smart came from anecdotal evidence and the fact that I totally fucking OWNED at standardized testing when I was in public school.

In elementary school, I had to take an IQ test. My score was 136. All I knew was that 140 was "Genius" and I had fallen four points short. At the time I was sure it was a mistake. I convinced myself that the four point shortfall was just because I was hungry and distracted. Unfortunately, subsequent IQ tests through my school career kept proving the same thing: 136. This was maddening. I wanted to be a Genius! I wanted to be able to say "why should you listen to me? Because I'm a fucking GENIUS, that's why!" But, instead, I had to live with the chagrin of being not-quite-a-genius. It was not until later that I realized that 136 still put me in the top 1%.

And so, in a huff after being treated like brainless Jane by some fancy schmancy Harvard lawyer, I decided that I would join Mensa. For those who don't know, Mensa is a club for people who test in the top 2% of the population. I told some friends I was going to try to get into Mensa and the responses ranged from "hmm. Maybe I should try that" to me basically getting laughed at for five solid minutes.

I called my Mom and asked if she happened to still have any of my old test results. Since she didn't, I figured I could just take the Mensa test. It honestly never occurred to me that I would NOT pass the test. I mean, I had a historical precedent of OWNING at standardized tests! I once applied for a job at Cheesecake Factory and they made me take an intelligence test. The guy interviewing me seemed almost unnerved as he told me "you've got the highest score I've ever seen." Then he didn't give me the job, which, in retrospect, makes sense because clever ducks in lowly positions can figure out really fast how to circumvent the rules and steal shit.

And so, I paid my 40 bucks and scheduled the test time. In an interesting twist, the mensa person in charge of test scheduling ACTUALLY KNEW WHO I WAS. This was trippy in the fact that not that many people know who I am, and the fact that this was a mensa person, so I had that feeling of "AHA...see? See? I'm totally in with the smarties already!"

Taking the test was a learning experience. Firstly, On the day of the test, I was wickedly hungover. This taught me a lot about my "live in the moment" mentality: that while I was funning it up the night before, I wasn't thinking "I should refrain from drinking so that I don't have to take a test hungover." I was just funning it up, tomorrow-be-damned. Still, I dragged myself to the testing room and prepared to kick ass, even in my sluggish state.

I looked around the room and the first interesting thing I noticed is that I was the only girl there. Mensa, is, judging from that room, a total sausage-fest. (I told my laughing friend this and she said "it's because they've all got small dicks.") Second, I started looking over the test, which lead me to totally ignore the test administrator. This is the main thing I learned about my self: I am terrible at listening to verbal instructions. I always have been a little bit, but my years of self employment have definitely cemented it. So, for some reason, I thought she said that "wrong answers don't count" which would lead to the logic that you should answer every question whether you know it or not.

And so the test began and the learning continued. Thing learned: I own at verbal skills and suck at math. I should have known this based on my performance on the ACT, in which my lameoid math and science scores dragged down my awesome verbal and reading comprehension score and gave me a barely-get-a-scholarship-at-state-college 26. Still, since I hadn't taken a standardized test in so long, it all felt fresh and new. It's not that I couldn't do the math questions, it's just that I had to WORK REALLY HARD at it.

When I was doing the math problems, my brain felt like some creaky Rube Goldberg device which took way too long to come to it's conclusions. I was lucky if I could finish half of the problems before the time was up. Meanwhile, with the verbal sections, my brain suddenly turned into a kung-fu master doing a backflip and kicking ten ninjas in the face before landing. I'd zoom through effortlessly and finish way before the time was up, then sit there tapping my pencil for ten minutes. I was like "please! more verbal! Give me definitions! Give me comprehension! Give me analogies! I am to analogies as superman is to leaping tall buildings!"

The test sections seemed to be these alternations between things I was good at (verbal skills, sequences) and things I sucked at (anything with numbers...except sequences!) And so I was ping-ponging between thinking that I had the test in the bag and I was totally going to blow it.

Anyhow, I finished the test and turned it in, and, as I was doing so, one of the guys turning in his test said to the administrator "If you only get counted for right answers and you only answer one question and it's right, don't you get 100%?" And that's when I realized... you DO get counted off for wrong answers! Which means that all the last-minute fill-ins I did were going to completely fuck me! I left with the sinking knowledge that I had totally muffed the test.

Sure enough, I got the letter later on saying that my score did not qualify me for mensa. But here's what I learned about myself:

1. I am a drunken hedonist.

2. I am a loose cannon and play by my own rules (ie. I am bad at paying attention to verbal directions).

3. My mental alacrity sways strongly toward words and pictures rather than numbers, which makes me realize that "superior intelligence" can be compartmentalized into specific areas. In a room full of mathematicians, I'd probably come off like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.

I suppose I could have retaken the test and seen if I could have passed if I followed the instructions, but I didn't really want to pay another 40 bucks. Besides, what if I WERE in mensa? It's not like I could tell mister fancylawyerpants "Excuse me, I'm not dumb...I'M IN MENSA!" since this would not only make me sound like the douchiest douche in douchetown, but also the nerdiest nerd in nerdtown. So, really, was it all just some hollow exercise in self-reassurance? Did I just need to KNOW that I was smart? Didn't I already know that I was smart? Is "smart" even something that can be objectively evaluated? Isn't it just a matter of how many questions on a test skew toward your strengths?

I realize now that all of this is beside the point. The real moral of the story is that that lawyer is a patronizing dick and needs to get punched in the nuts.

Posted at 08:37 AM in my life stories | Permalink | Comments (0)

Give me a Fucking Break: Tea Tree Australian Chewing Sticks, get real...you're a toothpick.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 19:51:51 GMT

Originally posted at: http://tinyurl.com/yg626rm

So I saw this box of toothpicks laying on the table and noticed something: These toothpicks were calling themselves "chewing sticks." I guess being called a toothpick isn't good enough for these pretentious assholes, they have to be "chewing sticks." Oh, hello chewing stick. Would you like some champagne and caviar? May I take your top hat? How about I roll out a fucking red carpet for you?

Look, give it up. You're a toothpick. Why do you have to play games? Do you think that just because you have tea tree oil, you're better than everyone else? Oh, excuse me... you're "impregnated" with tea tree oil. La-dee-fucking-da. Don't expect me to give you my seat on the bus. You're not impressing me with your fancy vocabulary, toothpick, you're just making yourself look like a douche.

Oh, and where did you get the idea that you could impress people by saying you're australian? This just shows that you are totally fucking clueless. What? Did you think we would think you were "exotic." Did you think you would conjure up images of the Sydney Opera House and crystal goblets of robust Shiraz? News Flash: here in America, when we hear "australian" we just think of Crocodile Dundee throwing shrimps on the barbie while he gets drunk on Fosters. Maybe you should grab your digeridoo and your Kylie Minogue CDs and fuck off before a dingo eats your baby.

Okay, so you're a stick and maybe people chew on you, but you know what other sticks people chew on? That's right: TOOTHPICKS. Some of them are even minty, and you don't see them putting on airs. Seriously, get over yourself.

The A.V. Phibes business strategy... simplified!

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:02:34 GMT

just found this in one of my old work notebooks. I think I drew it around the time that I realized I hate customer service. I find it both funny and TOTALLY TRUE!

Oh, and PS... I've got my "real blog" going over at theoverexaminelife.com. So, you know, if you were maybe planning on buying something from Amazon ANYWAY, you might wanna, say, click on my affiliate link and do it. Just sayin...

Who am I? I am both nobody and somebody.

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 01:39:49 GMT

So part of where my thought process came from in the previous post is the fact that, everything I've done for the past few years, even if i got paid for it, hasn't felt particularly "real." If you've been reading for awhile, you've surely noticed that every year since 2005, I've described my activities as "dicking around."

What happened in 2005 was that I was on a rollercoaster going up, up, up and was, soon enough, on a rollercoaster going down, down, down, and I realized that I really had no control over the situation. That my good fortune wasn't because I was awesome and productive and my bad fortune wasn't because I was suddenly horrible and lazy. Things just changed and it was external to me. I worked for my success, but I would not have had it (or my subsequent failure) if not for random market forces that I had no sway over.

I think the major thing that happened at the cresting of that rollercoaster was that I stopped thinking of the things I did as being real and concrete. Most of the things I did started seeming pointless. I just do things. I'm waiting until something "catches" again. Until I'm making mad dough again, I keep considering everything I do to be "dicking around." Still, I keep doing things because that's all one can do.

And if it's all dicking around and nothing is "catching", the only way to evaluate it is based on how good I am at it and how much I do it. I am an artist in that I very occasionally create a piece of art. I am a designer in that I often design things. I am an comic actor in that I occasionally am in plays and they're usually comedies. I am a writer in that I write things. I am a housewife in that I keep house. I am an entrepreneur in that I have a business that still makes some money. I am maybe a cartoonist in that I've drawn cartoons, but I haven't in quite some time. None of these things feels any more "real" than the other. None of them seems to make a definitive "what I am."

I've spent a lot of my life "talking up" my modest accomplishments to make them seem important... usually more important than they were:

"Cartoonist A.V. Phibes has began publishing her comics in underground zines, and soon grew an enthusiastic internet following!"

"Artist A.V. Phibes has done illustrations for for Penguin Publishing, Andrews McMeel and Steve Madden Inc!* She has had 3 solo shows of her work and recieved a jury prize from the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival."

"Entrepreneur A.V. Phibes founded Evilkid Productions, a six-figure art licensing business that had products in Target, Spencer Gifts and Hot Topic!"

"Sideshow Performer A.V. Phibes has performed all over new york in venues such as the Slipper Room, The Cutting Room and Webster Hall, she also spent time on tour with the Modern Gypsies!"

"Actress/comedian A.V. Phibes has appeared in two off-broadway comedies!"

Hell, even writer A.V. Phibes "has been blogging since 2001, been published in the Audacity Productions "In the Works" anthology** and her one-act play "Grading on a Curve" has been staged in in the US and Hong Kong. Her work has been described by the the Dallas Morning News as "quite funny" and having "...lots of garrulous, good lines..."

And all of this feels like just anecdotal "stuff I did." None of it feels like I was doing it "for real" (except maybe the entrepreneur bit). Most of this was "dicking around." I have told people before: "The key to having an exciting life is omission. Omit everything except the exciting parts."

I still don't have the sense that I'm doing what I ought to with my life. And so that's how I came about to my previous thoughts: Since most of my credentials seem tenuous, if not borderline bullshit, do credentials even matter? Shouldn't we just consider what we're good at?

*Totally got this job because of nepotism.

**My friend published this and printed it at kinkos.

Self-identifying as a writer: not just for douches anymore?

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 19:24:24 GMT

I've always had trouble with the "what do you do?" question. I went through my phase of just answering "office manager," but now I usually stick with the vague "designer," which, of course, is true enough because that's actually what I more or less make money at. Only recently have I been internally questioning: can I self-identify as a writer?

The New Yorker in me says "Don't say it unless you can put your money where your mouth is," the hater in me says "Self-identifying as a writer when you don't do it for a living is for pretentious douches." And yet... and yet...

Here is what's been rolling around in the ol' brain pan: The "publishing industry," or, that which, for all of my life, has been the gatekeeper of what is "real" writing and what is just fucking around (if it's published it counts, if it isn't it doesn't) Is undergoing a tremendous sea change right now. "books" and "newspapers" and "magazines" and "being published" as we have known them in the past, may be going the way of the corded telephone and the fax-copier.

What I'm saying is, with all the game-changers of the past decade, blogging is kinda the new writing. At least, that is to say, it's the most contemporary medium and it doesn't seem to be going away. Sure, 95% of it is crap, but the 5% that isn't is getting read by people as much as a newspaper or magazine. Also, as digital distribution replaces those cumbersome paper books and renders printing and shipping costs irrelevant, it's going to change the types and amounts of writing that publishers publish. It's also changing how important a "publisher" even needs to be. From the "gatekeeper" standpoint, the times they are a changin'.

But all this is just random thought. What I'm trying to get at is: Bitches, I'm a writer. I know how to write. I may possibly know how to write better than I know how to do anything else. I have never been published, I have never TRIED to get published, for all I know, I may never BE published, but I've been writing for ten years and people have been reading it. Sometimes a lot of people have been reading it. Possibly more people than have read those novels with their covers torn off in the sale bin. Also, since the publishing industry is often trying to turn a buck by pandering to dullards, is publication really such a badge of quality? Have you read "Who Moved my Cheese?" I mean, have you? If so, how is your head feeling after you felt compelled to beat it against a brick wall? Mine is still a little tender.

Anyhow, being able to string together a grouping of sentences that aren't retarded and don't bore people to sleep is not a skill that everyone possesses. In fact, I am learning that it is rarer than one would think. I was once sent an excerpt of a book that someone was planning on self-publishing and it took me about 15 minutes to read the first two pages because the writing was so cumbersome that every laborious sentence was like a pit of quicksand bogging down your progress to the next. And this was someone who clearly thought they were "a writer."

And, that, perhaps, is why the hater in me is so down of self-proclaimed "writers:" because the claim is so often accompanied by a certain pomposity and self-delusion. I didn't want to be "that guy." I feel like I'm perfectly competent at writing, but I have no "credentials." Still, I read a lot of stuff on the internets and some of the writers whose bloggy bits I most anticipate aren't even writers. They're chefs who are good at writing or artists who are good at writing or whatevers who are good at writing. Is one a writer by merit of being good at writing? What say ye, netizens?

Home Alone

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 02:46:49 GMT

So remember how, like, a month ago I was all like "I'm going to start blogging again!" and then, I kinda didn't? Well let me tell you about how that came about:

So a few months ago, my Darling Boyfriend decided that he was going to go to India with one of his college friends who was a Buddhist monk for some time. I met said friend when he was still a Buddhist monk wearing the orange robes and the whole shebang, and, if you've never had a buddhist monk watching football in your living room and shotgunning marijuana hits, then your life is less interesting than mine. Haha! Sucks to be you! But anyway, being still active in Tibetan Buddhism since leaving the monkhood, he invited my darling boyfriend to come to the temple of his Lama and shoot some video so he could make a short film that might encourage bourgeois New Yorkers to donate money to it. My Darling Boyfriend, never passing up an opportunity for foreign travel, said "yes!"

The other thing about my Darling Boyfriend and foreign travel is that once he's going to one place, he feels like he has to visit every place adjacent while he's there... so the planned trip to india started turning epic. He planned to visit another friend in India, then a meet up with another friend in Khazakstan, a visit to Tajikistan, then a long-ass train ride through russia to Moscow, then to St. Petersburg to meet up with ANOTHER college friend (who's been living in Mexico the past year) and the two of them would do a whirlwind tour of eastern europe hitting approximately 15 different locales. By the end of his planning, the trip was going to take two months and one week.

So my thought was just "two months and one week to myself? AWESOME!!!" and so I started planning what yours truly would do with that particular time. My first thought was "Since I'll have peace and quiet and not be endlessly doing laundry, I can work on writing."

And so I thought I would take to blogging as soon as he left. What I didn't count on was two factors: 1. That it was going to take me a long time to get the house clean after he was gone, and 2. That I was going to be partying down to a distracting extent once he left.

To address the former: My darling boyfriend is a slob. He is entropic to the max. He spends a day in a room and it's like someone was tearing it apart looking for secret documents or jewels or something. Since I am a tiny bit OCD and like things to be a bit tidier, my role has become that of countering his entropy and maintaining a state of equilibrium which is usually "sorta, but not embarrassingly, messy."

Naturally, the idea of him being away for a long period of time introduced a tantalizing possibility: I could actually get AHEAD and get our condo clean, and have it stay clean for two months!!! Drunk on possibilities, I started cleaning as soon as he was out the door, thinking that a focused two days would whip things into shape. hahaha...no. I am STILL cleaning this place. There is some hardcore organization that needs to be done. I am feng shui-ing like there is no tomorrow.

Secondly, addressing the latter: it seems that once I am in a state of simulated "singledom" I revert back to single habits. This means going out a lot; hanging out with friends a lot. It's strange because I don't feel like these are things I CAN'T do when my Darling Boyfriend is around, but I seem to do them less. Maybe it's because I'm tired from cleaning.

But, getting back to the point: Darling Boyfriend has been gone for two weeks and I'm just now getting back on my feet again as far as getting shit done. (GTD? Fuck that, I GSD.) So I'm only now starting to get on the Blog thing. It took me awhile to come up with a good title that I could buy a domain of. I finally landed on theoverexaminedlife.com. I thought about just using avphibes.com, but, here is a little pearl of wisdom for you, Youth of America: When choosing a pseudonym, PICK SOMETHING THAT'S EASY TO SPELL AND PRONOUNCE. It will save you a lot of heartache.

Anyway, I'll be setting that up shortly. In the meantime, here's an awesome pic of my cat in a lobster costume from OMGkitty.com:

I'm passionate about not being passionate about things.

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 18:44:23 GMT

So now that I'm trying to get blogging again, I find myself stymied as to what my "theme" should be. In much the same way as in art, the key to success in blogging seems to be consistency. Figure out your thing + keep doing that thing and that thing only = ability to build a following. But--also in much the same way as in art-- I find it nearly impossible to pick ONE THING. When people ask me what I'm passionate about, I tend to reply "It's irrelevant, because what I'm passionate about is always changing."

So themes I'd like to write about (other than my cat... she's already got a blog, so that's taken care of) include: food, travel, new york, art and design, snarky cultural critiques, books and general observations. So, since I don't want to set up a zillion blogs that I probably won't maintain, I'm going to put it all in one and wreck my ability to be consistent and therefore, by the laws of "how-these-things-work," not have a good chance of blogging success.

On the other hand, since one of my objectives is just "practice," I suppose I shouldn't even care. In the course of being all-over-the-place, perhaps I will determine what works best. It's my general life strategy of "throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks." Of course, then there's the thought that I'm 35 and shouldn't I have more shit stuck to my wall by now?

Can anyone out there tell me what I'm good at? What's your favorite thing that I've done?

Moving Forward

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 15:34:46 GMT

There comes a time when the only thing to do is throw out your old life and start fresh.

Several years back, my whole fake-famous,/attention-whore schtick turned on me and suddenly the idea of people out there in the world and internetland knowing about me, combined with the fact that so much of my persona was a fragile maquette constructed to impress other people, made me turn super paranoid and reclusive. There were times when I would write something and be afraid to post it because "people will read it and think things about me." This was a bad time.

Anyhow, after lots of therapy, I am emerging from my lair. But emerging with new boundaries and new intentions. I want to be real with you internet, so let me lay it down for you:

1. I no longer want this to be the "look at me and how lovably eccentric I am!" journal.

I will not be trying to impress you with how quirky and "interesting" I am. I'm not going to post photoshopped pictures of myself in hopes of being told I'm hot. I am not trying to prove anything to you. If I get called "quirky" again, someone's getting slapped.

If you enjoyed my LJ of yore for my tales of partying and promiscuity and hipster shenanigans, well, I'm sorry, but that shit is played. So unless you want to read posts like: "whoa dude, that game of Cranium was fucking INsane! I had to sculpt a frying pan out of clay!" that's not likely to be happening anymore.

No more games, baby. I don't need the cool kids to be my pretend friends anymore. I know that this disappoints some people who think I'm too boring now and would feel more comfortable liking me if I just wore flashy outfits and did kitschy hipster stuff and fronted that I was always at glamorous events. Sorry kids, but I'm 35 damned years old. At a certain point, my life had to stop being performance art and start being a life. Also, the tragic irony was that in order for my life to appear to be that exciting, I had to spend, like, 7 hours a day in front of a computer making it look that way.

2. No Drama

Look, I apologize for being a drama queen in the past and making everything into a huge deal. I'm getting over my crippling insecurity, I'm on medication. We're cool now. I don't mind if you friend or unfriend me. If you get sick of me, I ENCOURAGE you to unfriend me. If I hate something you like or like something you hate, it's not the end of the world. It's just the internet.

If someone gets uppity or an argument breaks out, I'm just going to ignore it. I know that I will never convince anyone of anything. When I get obnoxious, dumb comments I'm not even going to waste time on snarky replies.

So what is my intent?

I've been contemplating my life for awhile, dear reader, and trying to figure out what I'm actually good at so I can do more of it and be genuinely good at something. I feel like much of my life has been an exercise in wasted potential. I am a knife in need of sharpening.

I am fairly good at writing and fairly good at writing funny things, so I want to polish and hone those skills. I'm taking back to the internet like some kind of writing Rocky running up writing stairs to get in writing shape for a writing boxing match...or, you know, just writing. Since I've never really studied writing or written "for real," I figure I still have stuff to learn about style and editing and structure and discipline and whatnot. I also want to be dilligent and quicken my wit until humor flows from me like urine from a hobo! Then maybe I can "do something with it."

Your job is (hopefully) just to be entertained. You can help me just by telling me when you think something I write is interesting and amusing so that I know what's working. Also, if you know anything about "real writing" maybe you can tell me what's what, because I really don't know much of anything about it.

I'm going to start off slow because I have other work to do setting up a congruent "real blog" since, well, as much as I like it, most of the internet thinks LJ is amateur hour and you can't really monetize it (these cocktails don't pay for themselves!) and one young friend recently mocked me for being on LJ, by saying "get with the times, grandma!"

I expect things to get seriously rolling by mid-september. Glad you're still here!

Cleaning up my LJ for the glorious future

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 00:51:58 GMT

HERE'S THE DEAL: I've had this journal for eight years and it's gotten a bit muddled and hasn't been the same since 2005 (yes, I'm sorry.) But, internet people, I want to win you back! I will try harder to amuse you!

BUT, since I want to start with a clean slate, I have UNFRIENDED EVERYONE SO THAT I CAN FIGURE OUT WHO IS STILL ON HERE AND WHO IS NOT. I will be adding people back gradually. If you are still around, pipe up or unfriend and refriend me so you show up on my joule and I will friend you back.

I will keep you all filled in as I get my internet life in order. Meanwhile, I have started a tumblr page for random stuff I find that amuses me:
http://aliastuff.tumblr.com/

And a twitter for my "deep thoughts": http://twitter.com/avphibes

I do not advise trying to facebook friend me because I am a fanatic about my facebook and really only want family and friends on there.

You can, however, facebook friend my cat: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000155004366&ref=mf

or follow her twitter: http://twitter.com/OMGkitty

I will keep you all posted as things develop.

You should go see this play. Seriously.

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 20:40:33 GMT

Oh gentle reader, there was a time when I used this journal to plug a lot of things. Some of them were worthwhile...but...some of them were not-so-worthwhile and I was simply obliged to promote them because I or my friends were involved in some way. I feel like this may have damaged the trust in our relationship, but, baby, I've changed and I want you back.

When I tell you that you have to go see the off-Broadway play Cocktails at the Center of the Earth please believe that I mean it, girl, and I always will. Yes, you may be suspicious, based on the fact that I and my friends are involved in this play, but I am not promoting this play because I have to. It's because I want to. I want you to want to see this play because it will give you pleasure. Your happiness is my #1 priority.

It was written by ravenface who is, in all honesty, probably the best writer I know in real life. His imagination and deft wordplay never fail to delight. Check out his Livejournal and see for yourself. This play is a comedy that will make you laugh. Don't you like laughing? Let's laugh together.

This play features steampunkery, high-society shenanigans, a robot who makes puns and a song about Jazz Hands. What more do you want? I'm not superman. I'm just a girl, standing here in front of a computer monitor, asking you to go see a play.

Reserve your tickets post-haste.

The baking of an American President

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:22:04 GMT

I actually made this cake for an election night party, but I'm posting it now in honor of the inauguration.

Now, first off, I'll admit, it took me awhile to drink the Obama kool-aid. He was my pick to win from day one (I was 99% sure...I would have bet money on it), but I was actually supporting Giuliani, who I knew didn't have a snowball's chance in hell. I wanted to support John McCain, since I wanted the republicans to start moving to the center again, but his campaign was so badly run (and since Obama was an ace in the hole anyway), there didn't seem much point in it. Also, I finally just succumbed to the irresistible pull of Obama's charisma and air of cool-headed intelligence and went Obama-happy with everyone else. And how do I express support? By making a cake.

Step 1: I made a sheet cake and put it on a festive platter. I would like to make clear that I am not a cake decorator and never really decorate cakes. This was an ambitious and risky proposition.

Step 2: I found a nice, symmetrical picture of Obama to use as a reference. I thought about making some kind of plan or stencil or something, but then decided that if I was going to fail, I wanted to fail in some epic way worthy of cakewrecks.com so I figured I would go ahead and freehand this bad boy.

That's right... I made Obama's skin tone by mixing chocolate and vanilla frosting. l went there.

I tried to mix up the other colors for the american flag background, but no amount of red food coloring was making that frosting anything other than pink.

I started off applying the frosting to the cake with a small spatula, which made me realize quickly that the American flag was not going to have 13 stripes. I decided to claim this as "poetic license."

Eventually I abandoned the spatula in favor of using my fingers.

I was going to do my outline details in a darker chocolate frosting that I was going to squeeze out of a bag with a little hole cut in it for precision.

It started off not going so well and I was regretting the decision to draw freehand.

I managed to get things somewhat under control, but I realized that his head was not elongated enough and I hoped I could pull it off without it turning into an Alfonso Ribiero cake.

In the end, it was passable, and a party hit. Ilise brought over an Obama pie to add to the baked-goods-for-change bandwagon.

2008 year in review

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 23:05:13 GMT

So, in much the same trend as the previous two years, my first inclination was to say that 2008 sucked ass. Again, it would seem that even a suck-ass year is still a pretty good year for me. I decided to take the pursuit of mental health more seriously as the year progressed and so things should be looking up.

I got to travel around a bit. I got to go dogsledding in Quebec, swimming in the Hamptons, wine-tasting in Napa Valley and gallivanting in the Pacific NorthWest. I played tourist here in New York all summer and learned a lot about the city history. I got to eat a lot of good food. I also got to be in a very fun off-broadway play.

Unfortunately, I did not win the lottery, but considering last years resolution to "be more incognito," even if I did win the lottery, I wouldn't tell you.

Speaking of last year's goals, I think I managed to nail about half:

1. Be more incognito. I managed to avoid being on national television three times (for three completely different things), but didn't avoid being in the New York Post. This lead to getting smack talked a bit on the internet, but I did not participate or get involved. Overall, I think I managed to not have much of a public image for the past year, so I'll consider this a win.

2. Talk less smack. This was a challenge and a struggle. It seems that, at heart, I'm kind of a hater. While I tried to be more diplomatic and not participate in slagging sessions, I would occasionally slip up. For example, I was at a benefit party one night and was introduced to a woman with whom I proceeded to make small talk. I said to her "Wow, this DJ kinda sucks, right?" and she said "That's my husband." Which really summarizes why I shouldn't talk smack: Because when it bites me in the ass it's super awkward. I think I neither entirely succeeded or failed at this. We'll call it 50/50.

3. Travel to a continent other than North America or Europe. FAIL! The only other country I went to was Canada and that barely even counts as another country.

4. Become knowledgable about wine. This I would call a success. I read a book, started keeping a wine journal, took a four week class and did some tastings. I managed to get my terminology down (all this time I had "dryness" confused with "tannins") and while I'm no sommelier, I can go into a wine store or look at a wine list and make selections based on criteria other than price and wild guessing. While I still can't seem to guess wines in blind tastings, I'm proud of the fact that I am even able to make educated guesses ("this oaky, buttery white must be a California Chardonnay! Wait... it's not? Well, at least I know that California Chardonnays are typically oaky and buttery!"). Since the point of learning about things is typically to enhance one's enjoyment of them, I would say that this endeavor was both successful and beneficial.

5. Read 30 books. WIN! I read 32 books, although several of them were pretty short.

6. Get a reservation at El Bulli. FAIL! I thought I was really on the ball with my ninja timing this year, but I still failed to get a reservation. The last legend I heard was that there are now 2 million people vying for the 7,500 reservations every year. So, since I couldn't get a reservation to "the world's best restaurant," I got a reservation to the best restaurant in the Americas instead and went to the French Laundry for my birthday.

And now, Goals for 2009!

Unfortunately, my top three goals are secret and I can't tell you what they are. So:

1. Secret!

2. Secret!

3. Secret!

4. Get in shape and drop my weight back down to 54kg / 120lbs.
Although I initially blamed my boyfriend for my weight gain, I think "middle age spread" and general lethargy is also at fault. I'm not sure what I weigh right now, but I presume I have 10-15 lbs. to lose. I'd like to go down a pants size and no longer look like I'm in the early stages of pregnancy.

5. Read 30 Books
It worked last year, it can work again!

6. Revamp Evilkid.com
Definitely time for a redesign. I've already been working on it. Have to actually execute.

7. Travel to a continent other than North America and Europe.
I'm just gonna carry this one over from last year.

If Twilight the Book was WTF, Twilight the movie was FTW

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 18:18:29 GMT

Okay, so I went to see "Twilight" the movie the other night and my humble opinion is that it schooled the fuck out of the book. I'm not saying it's a great movie - there were definitely some scenes that were a cheese casserole - but I liked it. I wheedled one of my friends into going to see it with me, with her threatening to make me refund her ticket price if it sucked too bad, but (maybe because her expectations were set so low) she actually liked it. Also, Robert Pattinson's portrayal of Edward made me love him as an actor, but I'll get to that later.

There are four reasons I thought a movie of Twilight would be better than the book and all of them proved to be true:

1: The time constraints on a movie would cut out all the repetitious, rambling, empty filler in the book and get straight to the meat of the story.

2: A picture is worth a thousand words and since a thousand of Stephanie Meyers' words were "glare," "gorgeous," "perfect" and "chagrin," I figured the story could only be vastly improved by showing instead of telling.

3: Since Meyers' idea of character development doesn't seem to go beyond describing what people's hair looks like, I thought actors would be able to give the characters a little more substance to grab onto.

4. A movie would get the story out of Bella's first-person narrative so we could watch the story without it being filtered through an impenetrable veil of "OMG EDWARD IS TEH HOTT!!!1!"

See, I started out reading Twilight genuinely wanting to like it. I wanted to go on a fantasy adventure and fall in love with Edward Cullen and make him mix tapes and gay out on some vampire high-jinks, but I felt like I was thwarted at every turn. Every time a new character or intriguing question or potentially interesting conflict was introduced, it was never really followed through or fleshed out or given any interesting insight. As a reader, I felt constantly blueballed (and not just because there was no sex.) Never has a book made me so badly want to write fanfic, if only because I wanted to fix everything wrong with it.

I got the feeling that the filmmakers felt the same way, because everything that the movie changed from the book made the story better. New York Magazine did a whole slideshow thing on why the movie is better than the book, which I mostly agree with. Everything in the movie that was funny on purpose? It wasn't in the book. You have the screenwriter to thank.

I was optimistic about Catherine Hardwicke as director because I thought Thirteen was a compelling and believable movie about teenagers, so I thought she could take the one-dimensional Twilight characters and real 'em up a little. I think she did the best job she could. Bella's high school friends were all much more fun in the movie than the book and Bella seemed realer and smarter.

Mostly, though, I left the theater loving Robert Pattinson TO THE MAX for what he did to Edward. While the book relentlessly emphasizes how suave and gorgeous and perfect and dazzling Edward is, Robert Pattinson plays him as kind of an awkward, twitchy weirdo who's borderline psychotic and occasionally a whiny little bitch. What this tells me about Pattinson, as an actor, is that he really put some thought into the character. I mean, Stephanie Meyer was trying to make him this ultimate romanceturbation hero who she keeps trying to tell us is nonstop dreamy 24/7, but (as many have pointed out) a lot of the stuff he does in the book is kinda creepy, stalkerish, self-loathing, condescending, crazy-mood-swingy and borderline abusive. On top of that, he's a guy who's been 17 for 100 years and never had a girlfriend... and then he starts liking a girl who he is fighting a primal urge to kill every time he's around her. Honestly, that guy would not be suave. That guy would be an awkward, twitchy weirdo who's borderline psychotic and occasionally a whiny little bitch. It's like Robert Pattinson "got" the character more than it's own creator did.

This performance helps the story somewhat by reminding the audience that there actually IS a conflict in the Bella/Edward relationship: That Bella is attracted to Edward even though she really shouldn't be because he is genuinely dangerous. So it makes it feel a little more like a tragic good-girl-falls-for-bad-boy romance than the book is willing to let it be because book Edward is all "yeah, I could theoretically kill you but instead I'm going to give you butterfly kisses and spoon you because I love you like whoa." and Bella's all like "you can do anything you want, no matter how creepy, because I love you and you're perfect and the possibility of you tearing me apart with your teeth and injecting me with excruciatingly painful vampire venom doesn't scare me because yr hot." The sense of danger is never really tangible.

Unfortunately, although the movie did the best it could, I still find myself not 100% buying the romance. I'm still just not quite feeling it. And, for the record, after I saw Twilight, I saw" Zack and Miri Make a Porno" which I thought WAS romantic and made me feel all mushy and want to go home and cuddle my boyfriend.

Still, if someone hasn't read Twilight the book and been like "WTF," I'm not sure they could appreciate the movie for improving on it. I'm sure all those people who actually loved the book and thought it was good will be like "boo! this movie sucks! It changed stuff and left out tons of stuff that was vitally important!" And people who have never read the book at all will be like "are you fucking kidding me? Sparkly vampires?" So maybe there is really no winning.

If I could review "Twilight" (the book) in three letters, they would be "WTF"

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 18:02:32 GMT

So I'm sure at this point everyone has heard of this hit book Twilight and the movie thereof. While I have not seen the movie, I have just finished the book and the thought that kept coming to mind throughout was: Are you fucking kidding me?

Look, this book is bad. Shockingly bad. But it's bad in that epic, unselfconscious sort of way that makes me kind of obsessed with it, in the same way I'm obsessed with Showgirls and Trapped in the closet. Although it's bad, it's not that surprising that it's popular. It's full of romantic grandiosity and shoots straight to the heart of teenage girl fantasies about being special and unique and being loved madly by a dreamy bad boy. But... oh god... IT'S SO BAD!

First off, I feel like I need to clarify that I'm not some McSnobbersons who sniffs disdainfully at anything that's not Lit-rah-chah. I heart good writing, but I'm not ashamed to get down with a little popular entertainment. I thought the Harry Potter series was delightful, and in my early 20's I devoured Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles and loved every minute of it. But, for reals, Stephanie Meyer make J.K Rowling and Anne Rice look like Nobokov and Dostoyevsky. See, a lot of times I evaluate entertainments on the "could I have done that?" scale. And, honestly, The Harry Potter series and the Vampire Chronicles were pretty detailed with lots of characters and multi-layered plots, and I'm not sure I could pull something like that off. "Twilight," however, I'm pretty sure I could have written piss drunk, typing with my nose.

If someone had told me that this book was written by a 15 year old who'd never kissed a boy, I would have said "well, that makes perfect sense. The tone and writing level is pretty much what I would have done when I was a 15 year old who'd never kissed a boy." It's the fact that it was written by a grown-up mother of 3 with an English degree that amplifies the WTF factor. What? How? It made me want to travel back in time, find my 15 year old self and force her to drop out of school, get her GED and start cranking out overwrought fantasy romance novels.

If you have not read the book, here is the plot:

A girl (Bella) leaves her flaky Mom and moves to a small, rainy town to live with her dad. There's a really hot boy (Edward) who keeps giving her mixed signals that make her obsessed with him. He saves her from a car crash. She finds out he's a vampire. She decides she's in love with him. He starts being nice to her and he's in love with her too! But, uh oh! her blood smells delicious and he wants to kill her! But he controls himself and they kiss! Yay!

Not a lot going on, right? THAT'S 350 FUCKING PAGES OF THE BOOK! The last 150 pages consists of a bad vampire who decides he wants to kill Bella for sport and she has to run away with the help of Edward's hot vampire family, but bad vampire tricks her into meeting him at a dance studio and beats her up and OMG Edward saves her just before he kills her. Then they go to Prom. The end.

OH OH OH... and the bestest part of all: The reason vampires can't go out in the sun? Because they're sparkly. Yes, sparkly. REALLY. I'm going to extrapolate from this that they also ride unicorns and crap gumdrops. I had to put down the book at that point and crack up.

Seriously. 500 pages. Of course, if they cut out Bella's tedious run-throughs of her daily class schedule and the ten million ridiculously adjectivey descriptions of how hot Edward is, the book would probably be a pamphlet. And don't presume that those extra pages were used on extraneous things like, say, character development.. ha ha ho... you wish! There isn't a character in this book who has more depth than a kiddie pool, and the protagonist, Bella, is probably the most spot-on example of a Mary Sue Character since Mary Sue.

But here's the thing... I was kind of looking forward to this book being page-turning popcorn, but at about the halfway mark I started feeling this strange, undefined feeling of frustration that went beyond the fact that there seemed to be no plot. I couldn't put my finger on it... and then, it hit me: The book was written in the style of erotica and I was waiting for the sex. So that part of my brain that likes to spank it to bad literotica.com stores... or, you know, that WOULD if I were into that sort of thing *cough*... was impatient to get the show on the road. Subconsciously, my mind was saying "GET TO THE FUCKING ALREADY!" and once my conscious mind figured that out, I was like "This book was written by a Mormon. There will be no fucking." And then, admittedly, I was a little annoyed. I almost wanted to write the sex scenes myself. They would probably go a little something like this:

I gasped as Edward unzipped his gorgeous, godlike pants, revealing his smooth, white, marble cock. He glared at me with his burning topaz eyes as my fingertips brushed his cold, sparkling, granite dick. My heartbeat quickened. My breath caught. I didn't deserve this. How could I, clumsy, ordinary, plain, clumsy Bella Swan who was only asked to the dance by 3 different lovestruck boys, be so close to a cock so gorgeous, scintillating and godlike? It was like the pale marble cock of Adonis.

In a quick, graceful motion, Edward turned and glared at me. "Don't you see Bella?" he said as he held me in his strong grasp and dry-humped my thigh with annoyance, "I'm a danger to you! You should have nothing to do with me! Every moment you're risking your life!"

"Edward" I gasped "I love you. I will love you forever!" I was in agony thinking of losing him and never again touching his pale, white, cold, gorgeous, sparkling, marble, granite, dazzling, godlike, scintillating Adonis cock. How would I live? He was my life.

He glared at me again with his dazzling, golden eyes and told me with his gorgeous, pale lips "There's something I haven't told you. Something else about my kind."

"What Edward?" I asked breathlessly, "I will love you no matter what. Forever."

He brushed his cold, gorgeous, marble lips close to my clumsy, ordinary ears and whispered "We..."

"What, Edward? I love you. Forever. You can tell me anything."

He gave me his crooked grin and said, "We ejaculate rainbows."

...and so forth. You get the idea.

But, considering how little substance was contained in the 500 pages of Twilight, I figured I could just read the wikipedia synopses of the subsequent books in the series and I could get the rest of the saga without missing anything. Of course, now I feel like I have to go see the movie which I have heard is bad, but I refuse to believe it could possibly be as bad as the book. Also, Robert Pattinson kinda looks like my boyfriend's brother (which was pointed out back when he played Cedric Diggory) which may be funny or awkward, I'm not sure which.