The musings of A.V. Phibes

I'm watching you, culture, and I don't approve.

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2009 Year in Review
lightning fist
2009 year in review:

Well, unlike the previous three years, I actually did NOT think that this year sucked ass. As I mentioned in last year's review, I was taking the pursuit of mental health more seriously and, actually, did a good job of it. I felt gradual improvement of my feelings of "weirdness" throughout the year, and then, somewhere toward the end, my crippling self-doubt disappeared as though a gypsy curse had been lifted. I'm not entirely sure why, but I no longer felt like I was being menaced by the world, I felt lucky again, and I felt like I could handle things.

While I could say that I still spent the year "dicking around," I've also realized that it's a pretty dick move for me to discount accomplishments and experiences that other people would be proud of, as that is basically implying to other people "you don't do shit and your life is worthless." So, instead, I would say that the year was swell, although perhaps not as productive as I would have preferred.

For another year, I have failed to win the lotto or make more money. My therapy, however, has taught me not to tie that to my self-worth, so whatever. My life is still a party. I got to be in another awesome off-broadway play and work on some fun projects with fun people that will hopefully pan out into bigger things this year.

So, going over last years goals:

1. Secret!
Okay, so I can fess up now about my secret goals. This goal was to get some of my writing published. I did not accomplish this goal because I decided at a certain point that I didn't feel like trying. I know I'll just sound like I'm a quitter making excuses, but it's partly explained in my post about self-identifying as a writer and my thought that publication might just be a meaningless exercise. I mean, as it stood, I could probably get an article or story published SOMEWHERE, but why? If my goal is to have my work seen, it will be seen by more people on the internet. If my goal is validation, well, the quest for validation from external sources doesn't often lead me to a good place, psychologically. If the goal is money, well, the truth is, I'm afraid of falling into nickel-and-dime writing, since years of nickel-and-dime drawing basically made me despise it. In a sense, I don't want to ruin writing for myself by making into another thing I have to do.

2. Secret!
This goal was to settle my copyright lawsuit with Dreamworks/Paramount for a designated sum of money. While the lawsuit WAS finally settled, the goal was not necessarily achieved and I am not at liberty to discuss it due to confidentiality agreements I had to sign. Nonetheless, I am very glad to have the whole thing resolved as two and a half years of this negative thing hanging over me had a very oppressive effect. In fact, I think the resolution of this conflict might have been the final key to breaking the aforementioned gypsy curse of self-doubt.

3. Secret!
This goal was to pay off all my debt. Due to my income slump and the previously mentioned situation, my debt became quite alarmingly vast. I did not pay it all off, but I paid off about four-fifths.

4. Get in shape and drop my weight back down to 54 kg / 120lbs.
I did, in fact, go from size six pants to size 4 pants, although the holiday food binges are threatening to oust me from them. I also stood on a scale that said I was 120 lbs, but my wii fit says I'm 132. The discovery of spanx this year got me back into several of my old dresses, but it's still not as easy as it used to be to control my weight. I'll call this one MOSTLY accomplished.

5. Read 30 Books
I READ 50 BOOKS BITCHAZ! CAN I GET A WHUT WHUT? Kindle for iphone, you are my salvation.

6. Revamp
Haha... totally not done...SLACKA!

7. Travel to a continent other than North America and Europe.
Okay, not done, either. I did, however, hit up North America and Europe a little more this year and went to Canada, Mexico, Germany, Poland, Czech Republic and the overall west coast of the US as well as the Florida Keys.

Okay, so if we look this over, my goal accomplishment for 2009 was pretty piss poor. I expect the upcoming year to be an improvement, though. And so, moving on:

Goals for 2010!

1. produce a book-length quantity of writing.
I don't know if it will be fiction or non, stories or essays, but I just want to see if I can do it.

2. learn to pop and lock
omg, how rad would I be? Seriously!

3. take better care of my skin
I've already started on this by trying to buy myself the proper products and follow the proper regimens. Now that I'm getting older, I can't fuck around with my skin anymore, I must be ever vigilant!

4. Read 30 books
Best to keep in the groove. Also, I have a stack of "real books" here next to my bed that I need to plow through in my quest to go fully digital.

5. digitize my record collection
Speaking of going fully digital, I got one of those USB record players about a year or so ago and I still haven't digitized my vinyl. This is a project I really want to finish.

6.  Be more socially proactive
I need to quit laying around like a big lazypants and waiting for people to come over.  I need to go do more fun stuff and see more people.

7. accomplish something that will actually make me impress myself
See, here's the deal: I'm basically this jaded asshole who's all been-there-done-that, so I tend to view my own accomplishments like  "meh, whatever. It's not like that's a big deal or anything." So, essentially, I want to actually accomplish something this year that I can genuinely say "Yeah, I'm really proud of that. That was something."

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wow awesome!! i really need to work on debt, myself :/

popping and locking would be AWESOME. i love that stuff.

as for book-length writing, have you ever done nanowrimo?

[and yes i realize i used "awesome" twice (now three times) in this reply...]

I told myself that I was going to do NANOWRIMO this year, but then I ended up having all this actual work to do in November. I'm going to try to find a time this year to do some intensive work. I'm thinking of going away for a month or something and letting myself be creative.

I'm so glad your 'gypsy curse' was lifted. I know exactly what you mean. Those really are a bitch, but it's amazing how they can sort of dissipate when you align other aspects of your life.

I think "alignment" is a good way of putting it.

I just did one of those decade posts because i was afraid of admitting my failed goals of this year.
but your year seemed pretty awesome.

I have a USB rekkid player that I havent touched.
I hear you girl on the skincare thing. I am getting old and damn if my skin will reflect that if I can help it.
Please revamp evilkid.
Please stay with us if you ever come to Paris.

Oh man, I would totally love to stay with you if I come to Paris! Not sure when, but I know it will happen eventually.

Yeah, my skin is definitely starting to age. Since I've got that fair, freckly skin that's all melanoma risky, I have to take extra care. I have to thank my past gothy self for carrying a parasol and saving me from a few years of sun damage. I'm getting age spots! It's freaky!

I think that this is going to be a good decade!

Hey, I saw you read PATTERN RECOGNITION. I enjoyed the whole first 3/4ths of that book! Hey, I recommend Chris Anderson's THE LONG TAIL for your 2010 list (look at his article on the contemporary publishing industry/print-on-demand... it relates to your 2009 goal of getting published).

Weird, I actually wrote "impress myself with something amazing" for one of my 2010 goals. I'm still formulating what that could be, but it should make the year interesting.

I'm also attempting to go mostly digital with my collections, too.

Hey, feel free to visit Dallas (I owe you digs) and all the best in the coming year.

It sounds like it was a good year! I am especially excited about hearing that your lawsuit is over, but I am particularly bummed about the confidentiality agreements. I've been waiting to hear the details of that story ever since it broke. Oh well.

You have no idea how pissed I was about the confidentiality agreement... I had planned all along to write a big article about the experience. I argued it, but it was the only condition under which I could get what I got.

2. learn to pop and lock
omg, how rad would I be? Seriously!

very very very rad!

I like your idea of reading 30 books a year. If I did new year's resolutions, I'd probably set that goal for myself. I hardly every sit down to read print-books anymore.

I've found the reading to be very rewarding. I think I was able to read more than my quota this year because I read a lot of fiction (fiction I can usually read fast, non-fiction I have to mull over....unless it sucks.)

I favor non-fiction because I like to learn about subjects, but fiction is fun for understanding the zeitgeist and the medium of writing in general. I also learned some things about myself, like that I apparently love science fiction.

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